Dear Dad…

Dear Dad,

Today is your 67th birthday. Today is also the 4 year anniversary of your mom passing away.

This is the first birthday you will be spending in Heaven and the first birthday you won’t be here with us.

I miss you, Dad.

I thought after 6 months I wouldn’t be this torn up.
But I am.

I went to church on Easter, to the service we used to go to together, and within 5 minutes one of your friends came up to me. It was then that I realized I hadn’t been to church since the day after your service. So within 5 minutes of being at church, I was in tears. I cried throughout worship and during some parts of the sermon. I kept thinking, “Will I ever be able to come here again without crying?” I don’t want to find a new church. This is my home; I grew up in this church. But if the memory of you lingers every time I sit in our spot, I don’t think I can take it.

I don’t know what to do today.

Before Grandma passed away on your birthday 4 years ago, we would do fun things. I’ve taken you to Disneyland, the Reagan Library, a tour around La Jolla,Β to name a few.

After Grandma passed away, you said you wanted your birthday to become a celebration of her. So we started our family reunion. We used to hold it on your birthday or the weekend before/after. This past year we did it in August so more people could come.

But now, I’m feeling a little lost.

Should I go to the beach and eat donuts and coffee like I did in October for Grandma’s 100th birthday? Should I go to Tony’s and eat 2 beef tacos with lots of hot sauce and guacamole? Should I go to a baseball game like we did last year?

I still haven’t decided and part of me doesn’t want to decide.

I still have to remind myself every morning that you’re no longer here. So me celebrating your birthday without you just kinda makes that part worse.

So I guess I’ll just say thanks…

Β For raising me.
For making me put school first.
For teaching me how to play baseball.
For teaching me how to drink wine.
For going on road trips with me.
For helping me move into my dorms and apartments.
For teaching me how to drive a manual.
For teaching me how to grill.
For teaching me how to be self-sufficient.
For teaching me about our family history.
For telling stories.
For coming to visit me in Ohio and in OC.
For supporting my high school drama department.
For sending me care packages during finals.
For holding me when I cried.
For encouraging me to go to law school.
For letting me vent about whatever was on my mind.
For giving me an example of how a father should be.
For telling me I was better than the boys I dated.
For loving Bret and our relationship.
For teaching me how to build and fix things.
For exploring San Diego County with me.
For going to church with me every Sunday.
For telling me I will pass the bar exam.
For always being there for me.
For believing in me.
For loving me unconditionally.

Words cannot describe how much I love you and wish you hadn’t left so soon.

I hope you’re having a blast in Heaven with Grandma and Jesus.

I can’t wait until I see you again.

Love always,
Lizard

baby-mary-and-dad

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